Who gives a fork, anyway?

There just aren't enough forks in the world anymore. Well, not in our house at least. Somebody keeps eating them or using them to spear seagulls or as a key component in some kind of Skynet-type terminator that will come and kill me in my sleep.

I think that Bono, Bob Geldof and Paul McCartney should put on a benefit gig for us. It will be named: ForkAid. Or ForkFest. Or Paul, Bob & Bon-Bon's Pledge For Forks. And Pantera will come and play 'Forking Hostile'.

Anyway...the internet decided it would climb out of ye olde sky-waves and into our kitchen.

Does anyone have the number for Meme Control Centre?

Seagulls are evil.

From Bath Spa to Prestatyn, Scarborough to Eastbourne this is what you will see.

Cheesy Satan

Microsoft Paint. Hell yeah.

I think my friend Ben looks like a sir...

...what do you think?

SPEAK FOREIGN WITH CAMP TRAMP

HOW TO SPEAK FOREIGN WITH CAMP TRAMP!

 

Only 3 months or something to go until Camp Tramp hit up Graspop Metal Meeting!

Because of this momentous milestone, I have compiled a list of phrases and their continental translations for talking to our European brethren that, no doubt, will be hugely useful in our campaign to be the filthiest bunch of cunts that ever graced a field in the summer.

Of course, you may choose to ignore the translations completely and do as the vast majority of our fellow countrymen do when abroad and just point wildly whilst talking louder and more slowly. (EXAMPLE: "Chips please mate" "Qué?" "CHIPS, PEDRO! I WANT SOME CHIPS! YOU NO SPEAKY ENGLISH?!" *gestating*)

We are Camp Tramp. –     FRENCH: Nous sommes Camp Tramp.
GERMAN : Wir sind Camp Tramp.
DUTCH: Wij zijn Camp Tramp.

The Pile. –     FRENCH: La Pile.
GERMAN : Der Haufen.
DUTCH: De paal.

You must obey The Pile. -     FRENCH: Vous devez obéir à la pile.
GERMAN : Sie müssen gehorchen den Stapel.
DUTCH: U moet zich houden de stapel.  

Please feed The Pile. –     FRENCH: Please feed The Pile.
GERMAN: Bitte füttern Sie den Stapel.
DUTCH: Gelieve voeden de stapel.

Excuse me; may we have some of your rubbish? –     FRENCH: Excusez-moi; pouvons-nous avoir une partie de vos déchets?
GERMAN : Entschuldigen Sie, haben wir vielleicht einige Ihrer Müll?
DUTCH: Neem me niet kwalijk, kunnen we hebben een aantal van uw afval?

Please do not defecate on The Pile. –     FRENCH: S'il vous plaît ne pas déféquer sur le tas.
GERMAN : Bitte nicht auf den Stapel verrichten.
DUTCH: Gelieve niet poepen op de stapel.

Would you like a bacon slap? –     FRENCH: Aimeriez-vous une gifle bacon?
GERMAN : Möchten Sie einen Klaps Speck?
DUTCH: Wilt u een spek klap?

Yes, I think there IS a wasp nest in there! –     FRENCH: Oui, je pense qu'il ya un nid de guêpes là-dedans!
GERMAN : Ja, ich denke es ist eine Wespe Nest drin!
DUTCH: Ja, ik denk dat er een wespennest in there!

Have you met my friend Scott, he’s a massive bell end. –     FRENCH: Avez-vous rencontré mon ami Scott, c'est un fin clocher massif.
GERMAN : Hast du mein Freund Scott traf, er ist ein massiver Eichel.
DUTCH: Heb je mijn vriend Scott ontmoet, hij is een enorme bel einde.

The Pile is [insert number] fathoms deep! –     FRENCH: Le velours est [insérer le nombre] mètres de profondeur!
GERMAN : Der Flor ist [Zahl] Klafter tief!
DUTCH: De paal is [aantal invullen] vadem diep!

What time did they say Guns’n’Roses were due to start? –     FRENCH: Quelle heure ont-ils dit Guns'n'Roses devaient commencer?
GERMAN : Wie spät haben sie gesagt Guns'n'Roses waren aufgrund starten?
DUTCH: Hoe laat zeiden ze Guns'n'Roses waren te wijten aan beginnen?

Go on, have a go on our beer bong – sorry for the bad taste it’s Carling. – FRENCH: Allez-y, une remise sur notre bière bong - désolé pour le mauvais goût c'est Carling.
GERMAN : Na los, have a go auf unser Bier Bong - sorry für den schlechten Geschmack, es ist Carling.
DUTCH: Ga door, have a go op ons bier bong - sorry voor de slechte smaak is het Carling.

So there we have it, add some more if you like but most of all, enjoy it you pricks.

Final photo of one of our Lovers rehearsals at #BathSpaUniversity ... keep checking this page for more!

Final photo of one of our Lovers rehearsals at #BathSpaUniversity ... keep checking this page for more!: Final photo of one of our Lovers rehearsals at #BathSpaUniversity ... keep checking this page for more!

How to write a cover letter

Recently, I was asked by a friend of mine if I could provide him wth a template of a cover letter. A simple enough request, given that I have written a load of these things in my (now ended, thank fuck) epic quest for a job and he hasn't. I knew that giving my friend a template would be a nice thing to do but I didn't want to make it too easy. So I wrote out a totally new one that he could base his own efforts on and here it is. Enjoy. Or not...

Stevie: I know this is lame, but can anyone send me their Covering Letter for job interviews for me to copy and change to make it into my own? haha

 Me: Google it, there's a billion fucking templates out there

Stevie: Yeah I got some templates, they're shit! I want something already wrote out that I can just edit my info into, don't fancy wasting an hour or two writing a beg letter! Send me yours you sloppy shitbag

Me: Dear Sir or Madam,

I am a lonely yet wealthy Arab gentleman writing to apply for the job of Oil Baron that you have recently advertised in the local newspaper.

As you can see from my CV, I have gained considerable experience in film scores in my work as a pilot for Qantas Airlines. I have also gained experience in this field whilst working part-time as a fauna inspector at the local nature reserve. As well as the skills gained in these two jobs, I have gained a great deal of experience in customer service working at Dignitas in Switzerland. This position has also helped me come to terms with death and given me a newfound respect for life and the arts, most namely interpretive dance. I feel that I can bring the skillset I have earned in my previous jobs to your company.

My ambition in life is to become a professional curling umpire and I feel that by working for your company I can gain the skills and qualifications needed to take the mighty step up from enthusiast to partaker of the great game.

You will find that I am an outgoing person (unless you speak to me i any tone other than the one Chewbacca uses in the Star Wars movies) and you will be pleased to know it has been at least 3 days since I last had an urge to kill a prostitute and bury her in a children's play area, so you can put that down as being a very sociable person who works well in teams (provided none of the team members are Semites down to 6 generations). I trust that you will be making the necessary checks before employing future staff.

Please find enclosed my CV for your attention and I look forward to hearing from you soon, preferably by carrier pidgeon or Morse code.

Yours faithfully,

Me: Hope this helps.

So there we go, I did my good deed for the day AND had some fun with it too. You can also feel free to use this template for whatever job you like.